Amber N.

Peer Parent

Hello! My name is Amber, and I grew up in Jackson, WY, which happens to be the most beautiful place in the world, but I digress. I attended Gustavus Adolphus College in St. Peter, MN, where I double majored in Psychology and Criminal Justice, with a healthy dose of theatre to distract me from my studies. After graduation I applied to graduate school, and was accepted at Lewis and Clark’s Counseling program with an emphasis in addictions treatment, specializing in children and families. I figured that with that degree, I would always find work, I could fix my family which was riddled with people struggling with substance abuse, and I could all but guarantee that I had a degree which would prevent myself from becoming an addict. Stop laughing…it’s not funny…OK, it’s a little bit funny. I ended up leaving the graduate program a semester before graduating, because the idea of working at an internship, and coming home to another substance related emergency with my family back home, was too much for me. I was dutifully codependent, and I had zero understanding of boundaries. At that point in my life, that career would have chewed me up and spit me out. So I got a job at a pet store. Pets are happy, pet people are happy, and I really enjoyed the community. I married my husband Jim, helped the owner of the pet store open a second location, bought a house, bought the pet store, and had my son JD, and my daughters Anna, and Esmee all in pretty rapid succession. I was actually the luckiest person in the world. I owned a business in the community I lived in, and I raised all three kids in that pet store with me. They were known in town as The Pet Store Kids, which I always imagined would be their band name, if they were musically inclined…spoiler alert…they were not musically inclined. I am not sure which came first, but the store was struggling to make it, and I had become a full fledged alcoholic. I brought the kids to AA with me, because I knew that was the key for me and I figured it would be good for them to see where that first drink can lead you, but it took years for me to actually accept that I was powerless over alcohol. We ended up selling the pet store, my kids were in school all day, and I had been continuously unsuccessful at stopping drinking. I was at the lowest of the lows, I lost my identity, I lost my community, and I had lost all hope that I would ever improve. I went to rehab one last time, and something clicked. I believe it was the community and connections I made, but somehow I had hope, and have maintained my sobriety since. At about the time that I got sober, my beautiful son started experiencing his struggles. He was floundering in school, but tested as gifted, so he didn’t get the support he needed despite our pleas. I had no idea of his rights to accommodations as a child with a medical diagnosis of ADHD. We were constantly pushing him to achieve, because everybody around us was saying how gifted he was. We were so unaware, that we would have household fights which would ultimately end in him feeling horrible about himself, and us incredulous that he just wouldn’t apply himself. We essentially forced him into lying to us, because he was quite literally unable to do what we were demanding. The more we tried to help, the more he had to pull away, because he felt there was no way he could meet our expectations. So he was lying, which led to sneaking, which led to stealing, which led to gravitating towards a group of peers who were probably trying to escape the exact same pressures and the lack of self worth. Escape became his thing, in any and every means possible. He was experimenting with all kinds of things, but became dependent on alcohol, THC, and extremely abused hallucinogens’. Covid shutdowns didn’t help. I was in complete denial about all of it. I knew what was going on, but talked myself out of believing it was as bad as it was. I had definitely shown my cards, and he knew that if he threatened suicide, I would not enforce any consequences…which brings everything full circle to boundaries. I had none. I didn’t even know what they were, or how to have them. I had mastered the art of codependency, and he had graduated very quickly into a child who needed substances to function. We had talked about getting him help, and thought if we sent him to wilderness, all of our lives would go back to “normal”, but we weren’t there yet. Then in a period of a couple weeks, he ran away while on bad shrooms, and was arrested for being truant, stealing two cases of alcohol from a local grocery store, and then drinking them at a table outside of the local Starbucks, while high, at 10 in the morning, for the second day in a row. He had already been diagnosed with substance use disorder, but in the great state of Oregon, any child over 14 has complete autonomy in making medical decisions for themselves, so when it was suggested by the specialist that he do inpatient treatment, he just said, “Nah. I’m good”. And that was that. We could do nothing. We realized we were unable to keep him safe, and how much his behaviors were hurting his siblings. So I took him to Wilderness, during which all of us finally gained acceptance of the situation as it was, and when I started on the journey of doing my work. From wilderness, he went to a therapeutic boarding school, which brought me to OPLM. I had no idea such a community existed, but it was upon finding it that I found my community all over again. Finding a group of parents who actually understood my brand of crazy, who supported me through my fist 3 months crying at every meeting, held me up when I emotionally relapsed, and validated my experience, without judging where I was in my healing process was a turning point for me. These were my people. My focus changed from my son, to how I can best show up for my son, regardless of where he is at. And he thanks me for it. He has given me permission to tell our story, and I have given him permission to share how I have hurt him. No matter where our kiddos are in their journey, I honestly believe the best way we can honor all the work they are doing, is to do our own work, and find our own community. I believe that the opposite of addiction is connection, and I have found my community at OPLM. I feel blessed to be a Peer Parent, and I can’t wait to meet you all, and if you have any questions, feel free to reach out.