It’s funny how things show up for me just when I need them. I often hear people say in our meetings, “That is exactly what I needed to hear today.” Recently, inner peace and hope have been topics I love to talk about.
I have been revisiting how far I have come on the journey. Yes, I call it a journey now. When things started to unravel in the Summer of 2019, everything had crashed down around me and my family. I called it Hell. Inner peace? What was that? It eluded me.
How could this have happened to my family? How could my son have gone so far off the deep end? I felt as though I was in a swirling vortex of darkness. I lived in constant fear and anxiety, which was masked by my anger. I felt hopeless, sad, and desperate for answers. I needed to understand what had happened and why. I then fell into the shame spiral of questioning whether it was me that caused it. I felt as though I needed to fix everything! How could any semblance of inner peace exist in me?
My first step was admitting to myself this was beyond my control, even as a mom. My family and I needed help, and I had to let go of my addiction to control. We found people to help stabilize the situation so we could breathe and ensure the safety of my son. Gradually, I started trudging out of the swirling vortex of darkness. The trudging was heavy and difficult, but I was moving forward. I was breathing and so was my kid. That was my first glimmer of hope and inner peace.
Oh, I wanted more. I loved the feeling of Peace; even if it was momentary and foreign. My body had been so accustomed to anxiety that it didn’t know how to handle tranquility. Getting a taste of inner peace helped me make that my goal. I realized I liked myself better when I was at peace, and I am pretty sure others did too!
When my son was placed in another therapeutic boarding school, my journey opened up to a major highway. I found a community of understanding, supportive people. I was no longer alone. I was ready to receive and to share. There was so much healing in that. I had found a place where people were authentic and vulnerable. Authenticity and vulnerability, which I continue to practice and value greatly, have become superpowers for me.
I keep showing up to my meetings and learn something new each time. I have also learned to give myself grace and be patient with myself. By practicing that for myself, I am able to do and be that for others. I remind myself that no one is perfect. As a matter of fact, one of my favorite sayings is “We are all perfectly imperfect.”
Quieting the perfectionism monster added a layer of calmness for me. For me, it is about practice, practice, practice. It’s also about constantly working on shifting my mindset to find the “golden nuggets,” even in the most trying times. In addition, it’s about having gratitude, even if it is for only one thing a day.
Why do I share this? Because ALL of this is intertwined in my attainment of inner peace. For me, peace is a feeling of calm, tranquility, a quiet mind, and being present. I work hard to stop ruminating on my past mistakes and catastrophizing the future – habits I was once very good at. Peace is being able to see the “wins” in a setback, having found trustworthy people who support me, and maintaining open, respectful, and honest communication with my family. Peace is a powerful meeting where the shares are just what we need at the time. Peace is me being open to receiving messages and quotes that go straight to my heart and become part of my knowing. Peace is being able to love myself and know I am worthy of receiving and giving love. Peace is no longer allowing the darkness to cover everything, and being able to see the stars.
I have and will continue to learn so much on this journey. By no means am I done. I have shared many times that this journey has turned out to be a true blessing for me and, I believe, my family. I have received so many gifts along the way – inner peace being one of them. It was a slow process; “a slow burn”, where I eventually realized, “Hey – I do have peace, more often than not.” I am healing and learning to become the person I want to be. I know that it will be a never-ending quest.
My hope for you is that you find what brings you peace, even if it is for just a moment
With Love,
Carrie