I was introduced to the poet, Yung Pueblo and his book, Clarity and Connection. 

“Being okay with not being okay
does not make things
automatically better,
but it does stop you
from adding more tension
to an already difficult situation
being okay with not being okay
helps you let go”

I am not always okay and that is hard to say out loud. 

For years, I disassociated from my life due to trauma. This came in many forms and at often inconvenient times. I didn’t even know how to be present when my life was going well. I found a way to numb my feelings, any feelings, by not seeing it or acknowledging it.

As a result, when something tough would happen with my children or my husband,  I would shut down. I would not want to feel. I would lose time. 

When my children needed me, I was not able to be present with them through their anxiety, depression, traumas and just life. I am learning. My therapist, my husband and my children say that I’m not too late. They see me trying.

I am letting myself feel all of the not so okay moments. It sucks. I allow myself to sit in the sucky moments and feel them fully. I am finding the ability to be present in the joyful and the peaceful spaces in my life. I no longer shut them out.

I am able to sit with my child who is temporarily not okay and not fix them. I am able to let them have their space and let go of the outcome.  I am trying to no longer add tension to difficult situations.

I am not perfect, by a long shot. I try to be okay with not being perfect. I try to be okay with not being okay. 

When I am successful, I take it as a win. 

When I falter, which happens more often than not, I learn, feel it and know that it will pass. 

The fact that I now feel it? That I do not disassociate? Means that I am moving forward one baby step at a time.