As a parent and an eating disorder survivor, I feel both well-informed and overwhelmed by what it takes to support a child through mental health challenges. When I was in treatment, therapy and nutrition appointments were the main priorities, but there were many other facets of lasting eating disorder recovery—especially rediscovering, and reclaiming, my identity.
I grew up as a high-achieving student and competitive runner. From the outside, things looked strong: good grades, fast times, rising expectations. But internally, anxiety was building quickly. Running, which once felt freeing, started to feel more like pressure. School became harder to focus on. And like many young people, I became very good at hiding it — people-pleasing, avoiding discomfort, and convincing myself I was fine.
“One of the most important, and often overlooked, components of lasting ED recovery is helping a child build an identity outside of the illness,” says Jennifer Simmons, therapy lead at Equip, a virtual eating disorder treatment program. “Eating disorders tend to hijack a child’s thoughts, behaviors, relationships, and sense of self. Over time, a child may begin to feel that they actually are the eating disorder, rather than someone experiencing one.”
Simmons is spot on. There were many moments in my own recovery when I questioned who I was without my disorder. Now that I’m a parent, I want to better understand how to help my child retain their sense of self—especially if something as overpowering as an eating disorder takes hold. Below are the steps Simmons suggests parents take to help support identity during eating disorder recovery.
1. Externalize the Eating Disorder
Asking your child, “What do you—not your eating disorder—have to say?” can help reduce shame and reinforce separation from the illness. It can also be helpful to refer to the eating disorder as a “mask.”
“You can kind of see out of it, but it’s difficult,” Simmons explains. “We are working to remove that mask so that they can see more clearly and truly be themselves.”
2. Focus on Strengths Beyond the Disorder
“Call out their bravery, kindness, effort, humor, and resilience,” Simmons says. “Let your child know that you see them, not just the disorder.”
Resist the urge to focus praise solely on improvements in eating behaviors, weight, or body image. According to Simmons, doing so can unintentionally reinforce eating disorder thinking rather than support long-term recovery.
3. Encourage Meaningful Activities and Connection
Eating disorders thrive in isolation. Encouraging a child to reconnect with hobbies, interests, and peers can play a powerful role in rebuilding identity.
“Help your child re-engage with activities like art, music, volunteering, clubs, or sports—spaces where they experience joy, purpose, and belonging,” Simmons advises. These experiences remind children who they are beyond the illness.
4. Adapt Therapeutic Techniques to Support Identity
Family-based treatment (FBT) is considered the gold standard for treating eating disorders in children and adolescents. The third phase of FBT focuses on rebuilding a healthy identity by strengthening coping skills, addressing social challenges, and supporting independence.
“This identity-focused work isn’t limited to FBT,” Simmons notes. “Across all treatment models, recovery is strongest when children are supported in rediscovering who they are beyond the illness—and when parents are able to transition back into their primary role: being parents, not eating disorder managers.”
While eating disorders can be deeply destabilizing for both patients and families, helping a child rebuild their identity can significantly improve the chances of full, lasting recovery. If you have concerns about disordered eating, consider scheduling a free consultation with Equip.
“We value education, collaboration, and making sure families find the care that best fits their needs,” Simmons says. “Your family does not have to navigate recovery alone.”
Michelle Konstantinovsky, Equip Contributing Editor
Michelle Konstantinovsky is a Bay Area-based freelance journalist, marketing writer, and UC Berkeley Graduate School of Journalism alum. She’s written extensively on health, body image, entertainment, lifestyle, design, and tech for outlets like Vogue, Vanity Fair, Scientific American, Glamour, Shape, Self, AFAR, Cosmopolitan, and more. She has also served as the health and wellness editor at Fitbit, senior health writer at One Medical, contributing editor at California Home + Design, and marketing consultant at Carrot Fertility.
