I’ve learned a wise mantra that I find myself constantly repeating after 15 years as a caregiver for neurodivergent teens:
PROCESS OVER CONTENT.
When I refer to the neurodivergent teens I’ve worked with, I’m speaking primarily about those on the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum or those with similar characteristics. While umbrella terms help build community and access resources, I want to ensure I’m writing as clearly as possible for you, the reader!
“Process Over Content” is a guiding principle I encourage you to focus on when discussing or working through challenges with your neurodivergent teen. Process refers to the underlying emotional distress or feelings your child is trying to navigate, while content includes the specific situations, people involved, and details they bring to you.
Why is this important? Because subtle yet profound dynamics are at play as you interact with your child as their caregiver—the adult, parent, or authority figure. Due to their heightened limbic system activity and strong safety-seeking instincts, their concerns are not really about the content itself. Instead, they are making a bid for security. At the core, they are asking:
- Am I safe?
- Who is in control?
- Can I regulate your emotional response?
The content “hooks” your teen throws at you can be incredibly tempting to engage with. You’ll likely notice misinterpretations, exaggerations, or inconsistencies that make you want to clarify or correct them. Resist the urge! Instead, focus on the underlying emotion they’re experiencing and respond to that.
This approach helps you avoid endless debates, legalistic arguments, or circular conversations that can quickly derail the discussion and frustrate both of you.
By tuning into their emotional state, you communicate a sense of calm and confidence—showing them that you, as the adult and caregiver, are in control. This, in turn, helps them feel safe.
To reinforce this, non-verbal communication is key, followed closely by tone and voice cadence. When speaking, less is more!
You may be internally freaked out by the content they are bringing up. Trust me, they know your triggers and understand what was successful in the past to get an emotional rise from you. Manage your affect, stay calm, and take care of yourself when you have time and space away from your child. It is not about perfect parenting; it is about consistent parenting. You can do this!
Neil Wallace is the Senior Executive Director at The Heritage Community, a non-profit that serves neurodiverse teens and their families in their Spark Programs. He has 15 years of experience working directly with teens and their families and is a frequent presenter on Autism treatment at mental health conferences nationwide. His passion for this work is only superseded by his love for his wife, Heather, and their three children.
